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Bad Balance Magazine

Bad Balance: A magazine of interest.

Fun In France With Fat-Like Filly James
By Phil James
Illustration by Phil James

goddamn park


In France, they love their damn dogs. There is one dog for every 5 crackwhores who live in this damn country. The French are kind people, unlike the arrogant stereotype. But for some reason, the only problem the French see in their lives everyday is something they don't even seem to notice. There is shit on the damn sidewalks! OK, for example, I was walking back from school today and I saw the most hilarious crackslapping thing I have ever seen. You first need to know that the French also like their damn parks and goddamn fountains. They have 2 parks for every 3 people in France. They love their goddamn parks. Anyway, outside this park that is close to this other park that is near my home is a wall, and an entrance/exit door. During the day the door remains open. Well, as I passed this park that is near the park near my home, I saw the most hilarious thing I have ever seen—on the sidewalk outside the door to the park was the biggest non-human shitpile I have ever seen. Outside the damn park! Like the owner couldn't escort the dog far enough inside the park to shit.

I do believe this is the biggest problem the French seem to have.

Oh yeah, then there are "shitzones" where the dogs go to strategically place the shit. These are normally on the corners of the streets, but not confined to them. They may be in a person's doorway, for example.

And it's not like you can just avoid the shit. You have to leap over the shit, because there are cars parked all along the goddamn road. The French enjoy the life of a hurdler, I suppose.

Oh yeah, I don't think they can do anything about the shit—Frenchies like their dogs so much they even have little doggie wines they serve their goddamdogs. I must tell you this sight is the most hilarious sight these eyes have ever seen. This country is so backasswards they even have drunkard dogs so they can enjoy themselves a nice little chuckle. And I must tell you, they chuckle their little asses off.


France, if you should ever decide to come here, is filled with French speaking people. And they like to say things such as "ma petite pouce" or "my little flea." They especially like the adjective "gros" or "fat." I'm not sure why, but my graduate assistant teacher got the biggest giggle when somone in the class said "gros chausettes" or "fat socks." To the French, the term "fat socks" is very amusing. I have to say this again, because maybe it will catch on if you spread the word. Say "fat socks" and see if you can get a chuckle out of anyone. I cannot think of a time or place where the phrase "fat socks" would not be funny as phuk. For example, today I took a tour of the chateau of Angers. So I would say that tour was some "fat socks." Or just "I give props out to the 'fat socks' of Angers." Say "props" a lot, too. And crackwhore. People will have a good time. You could show them a good time with that.