Bad Balance issue 8 is now available for download or purchase, y’all.

Bad Balance Magazine

Bad Balance: A magazine of interest.

By Jamie Lipovac
Illustration by Michael Herring


I'm not the most agile man in the Americas, and I often fall and slip and trip and bump into things all day long. And it bugs me out—not cuz I break stuff constantly, but because of the noises that are made, or lack thereof. Now I think God is great and that he did a swell job creating everything, even though he made me a little clumsy, I mean that's not so cool, but no big deal, right? But, God, come on, we need some hard-core sound effects. I want the world boomin' when I fall. I want laughter when I slip—well, maybe that would get old, maybe, but for sure loud squeaky sounds and another boom when I land. Try this little experiment—Take your old or new art history book, go to a room with a tile floor, then walk at an insane pace straight into the book, tripping all over yourself. Tumble to the ground and be terribly disappointed, And that's a tile floor—that's as good as it gets, holmes. So are you with me on this? We need mad sound effects everywhere. If God is going to make me go through constant pain (and trust me, I do—approximately 12 times a day—I'm clumsy as hell), I want some return on my pain. So let's band together and get those sound effects out of the frustrating realm of fantasy and into our culture.