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Bad Balance Magazine

Bad Balance: A magazine of interest.

Issues With Jesse Day


J—Jesse Day

Jesse Day on golf cart

M—So, Jesse Day, is it true you watched 16 movies this weekend?
J—Yeah, I did.

M—Can you tell us about this experience?
J—Well, it was tough, but you know, it's just the way it is. You stay up late, sleep in late. That's just the way it is. I don't know what came to me. I watch a lot of movies on a regular basis anyways, so 16 to me is really nothing. On average, I watch a good 10 in a weekend. Well not quite 10, but like 5 or 10.

V—Coming back to your experience this weekend when you watched 16 movies: Could you explain what order you watched those movies in?
J—No specific order. Friday night we watched Devil's Advocate, and then we went to the video store, where we got 8 more movies. Moneytrain was the first movie. I don't know why I watched that first, but I can't remember the order. I watched 3 movies that one night and then I woke up and watched another 5 on Saturday and on Sunday I crashed til about 2 and finished it off.

V—Alright. Could you state the names of all those movies in less than a minute?
J—Fuck no. I watched this rad-ass movie called Destiny Radio. No, it was called Floundering. I didn't pick this out. My roommate upstairs, Potatohead—she picked it out because she thought one of the guys in there was cute.

V—You know every word goes on, dude.
J—I don't give a shit. Potatohead—put it on there. I hate the bitch anyway. I pissed her off a coupla nights ago, but that's okay.

V—So what about Flandering?

J—It's not one of the best. It's probably a B-movie. I give it about a 4. But it's about this guy on, um, not welfare—what is it? Where you can collect money if you've worked—uh.

J—No, not welfare. Security? No.

M—Welfare, perhaps?
J—Well, anyways, they stopped givin him money and he has problems with his brother. He's in drug rehab and he owes like $3,000 or something like that and so he's havin a shitty day. His girlfriend cheats on him and then so he kinda goes psycho, ya know, and he's havin problems sleepin one night and he sticks his head out the window and these guys are downstairs smokin crack, so he goes down and he smokes some crack and passes out on the sidewalk, with everybody walkin by.

M—What was he smokin?
J—Crack. It's a true movie. You should maybe see it, maybe not. So he's passed out on the sidewalk and they took his shoes and his wallet and this one guy takes him up to his room and handcuffs him and (pause) rapes him.

M—Did he assteam him or what?
J—Yes. Or maybe it was a daydream.

V—Was that pretty much the whole movie?
J—No, I'm not done yet. And so he had this woman who he was possessed with or madly in love with. He kinda watched her from the side. In one scene he actually jerked off and watched her walk down the street and he jerked off to her being there. And so he goes crazy and pulls a gun on her and tells her to get in the car and she's like: "I know you! You're the guy I saw masturbatin in the window!" So they're drivin down the road and they get in a big argument and he's like—he told her to shut up and that "I could have you do anything I want. I could have you give me some head right now." And she's like: "You don't have to force me to do that. I'll do that anyways." And so he falls in love with the girl and then he asked the girl.

B—So did she give him head?
J—She gave him head, and the scene was funny because they pull over and he's just sittin there moanin and everything and then the car overheats and smokes when he's orgasming. And so he falls in love with this girl because I guess she has problems so he goes. So he has to settle his debts so he goes back to town and he finally gets $4,000 and he pays off his brother's debt and he buys $900 worth of bread and feeds the poor.

V—Was that the end?

M—Let's move onto the Magic Bench.
J—You wanna hear the story? It's an actual scene from my life. I went to Milwaukee School of Art and Design for the summer program and I have this picture I took because I took photo there and it's just this park bench. And so I was hangin with a couple guys and one of the guys said: "That's a magic bench. I just know that's a magic bench because when I sit down here—see that girl walkin down the street? I bet I can get her to stop and talk to me. Maybe I can get somethin going." So he sits on the bench and we're watching from the side and he actually gets this girl to sit down and talk to him and he gets her phone number and everything and he goes: "Yeah. I told you it's a magic bench." I said "Okay, if it's a real magic bench, I'm going to sit down here and I'm going to pick up the next girl that comes by." So I sit down on the bench and this girl comes by and I get her to come down and sit next to me and I find out later on that she was a lesbian.

V—How did that affect your experience at um.what is that college?

V—Milwaukee Institute of Art and Design.
J—It was okay because I had met another woman there and it was shitty anyways because they had so many fuckin rules. You had to go to be at 10 o'clock and you couldn't go up to the girls floor.

M—Did you follow the rules?
J—Fuck no.

B—Are you a rebel, Jesse Day?
V—What did you have for breakfast today?

M—Alright, tell us a good joke.
J—Alright, Farmer John has a whole buncha hens and he can't get em laid, so he goes to the market.

V—Ha ha, stop right there. (This joke is so long. Ask Jesse Day about it if you really want to hear it. Jesus.)
M—That was the best joke I have ever heard. How about a shorter one?
J—OK, the penguin joke's the best. There's a big Eskimo and a little Eskimo and they go to a nunnery and the big Eskimo tells the little one, "Go on—go knock on the door and ask the question."
So the little Eskimo goes up to the door and knocks and the nun answers the door and he goes, "Excuse me, ma'am, do you have any small midget nuns at this nunnery?"
And she's like, "What do you mean?"
"Do you have any small midget nuns under 3 feet—like really midget nuns?"
And she's like, "Well, no, I believe we don't have any small midget nuns here."
So the big Eskimo, he's laughin' on his ass—he's rolling around on the ground and he goes, "C'mon, ask her again, ask her again. Make sure."
So the little Eskimo goes, "Well, are you for sure you don't have any small midget nuns here?"
And she goes, "Well, you gotta problem with small people or something like that?"
And the big Eskimo's laughin his ass off and he goes, "I knew you fucked a penguin!"

V—Uhh.okay, that was pretty awesome.
M—I don't get it.
V—You don't get it?
B—I got it.
V—OK, what else?
J—That's it.