And In Baltimore, Some of us Drink Joe
By Jamie Lipovac, that one guy who left that place

JOE! You have all heard of the junk: they have some of it in the cafeteria—it sucks (big surprise). They sell it like mad at Sun Fresh, and QT mugs keep it warm for hours. That's right—"Coffee is the Key."

Perhaps you have heard this truism, coined by my compadre Brandon Brown, founder of the Sleep Resistance. Well, little do people know that the Sleep Resistance is big news. The Sleep is the Enemy camp believes in every man, woman and child's ability to cut their sleep intake in half.

JOE! Some holidays come but once a year. If you're a really unlucky bastard and you were born on a leap year on Feb. 29th, you know the disappointment in the holiday absence. But in Apartment 2A, we have one holiday we see appear on our calendar quite often. That day is International Joe Day. This is the fabulous day when you are obligated to drink Joe, Joe, Joe.

Frankly, Joe is my best friend. Some people quit smoking and become best friends with their running shoes or carrots or something lame. I quit snoozin' and met this swell guy Joe. Joe will take you there. Where? To success! Yes, believe and you shall achieve. Drink Joe, paint like mad, write a book, or cut off all your foolish sleeping roommate's hair as he lies defenseless in his bed.

BE A MAN!