The Chronic Files
Featuring Dr. Chronic

Dear Dr. Chronic: I have been getting high since junior high, and I still haven't been able to understand the difference between a water bong and a gravity bong. What are the differences and which one will get me highest fastest?—Concerned

Dear Concerned: The gravity bong will get you highest fastest because it uses the power of gravity to pull the smoke extra dense and then you just push down on it and the water pressure pushes it up and it hits into your lungs and snap-pow! But it's a lot messier. The water pipe's better because you don't taste the shit and when you smoke out of a fucking gravity bong, you can get water in your mouth and it's nasty, but it'll get you high fast. It kicks your ass fast.

Dear Dr. Chronic: I was talking with my friend, and avid pothead, and he told me there is no such thing as a 10 story bong. I disagreed because I swear I saw one last summer at the county fair bong booth. I bet him five hundred dollars that I am right, so please tell me the 10 story bong exists!—Curious

Dear Curious: I have no clue. But you know what? If there would be a bong that big, it would be a big waste of weed because who could fucking pull 10 stories worth of air? I mean, you'd have to have lungs like Monica Lewinsky. A bong gets unwieldy past 3 feet. Any bigger than that would be pointless because who could pull that much? You'd have to have a fan hooked up to it to blow the smoke up your fucking lungs.

Dear Chronmaster Chronic: How much ganja would it take to get this whole campus of 600 stoned? Including the faculty, mind you.—Anxious

Dear Anxious: Well, let's see here, including the faculty... For the schwag weed, 4 ounces. For people who don't know, that would be 32 eighths;16 quarters; 112 grams of schwag for the whole campus, I'd say. But if you were smoking the dank, probably an ounce. That's about 400 dollars of the really kind bud—the kind Pam Hozel smokes.

Dear Chronmaster Chronic: Do you have that amount on you?—Anxious

Dear Anxious: I will in an hour.

Dear Mister Chronic: When I get gone, I enjoy listening to such bands as Cypress Hill and Beastie instrumentals. What do you usually recommend?—A Music Fan

Dear Music Fan: Cypress Fucking Hill, baby.

Dear Chronic: What's the illest, most hectic joint you ever smoked?—D.K.

Dear D.K.: Let's see. I had one where we rolled 3 quarters of an ounce in a corn husk and held it together with honey. That was pretty good. But I'd say the best joint I've ever smoked was the night before spring break when we had a fucking joint that had coke, weed, hash, and I think it even had some mushrooms in it, and that was even with some synthetic shit. So it had coke, hash, synthetic opium, a little bit of kind bud and then some schwaggy weed. And that was a crazy good joint.

Dear Dr. Chronic: All my friends smoke pot but I don't. Whenever we get together they get really high and then they laugh at me. Is it because I'm ugly?—Ugly

Dear Ugly: Yes.